Disappointing You Is The Hardest Thing To Cope With

I'm a maximizer. A maximizer is never happy with anyone or anything due to the fact that they are constantly trying to surround themselves with the bigger and better picture, and no matter how great things start to look eventually they look down again. A lot of people in a 'maximizer's' life take this as an insult, they usually think that they aren't good enough to make us happy. In all honesty we are the problem though, no matter how many fights we pick, how many times we get angry and blame it on you, its always us, its always our fault for being completely unsatisfied. And no, it doesn't make everything all better just to admit it. It actually makes things worse because at least when we don't admit it we can try and pretend everything is going great. A lot of maximizers do this for the sake of the people they have come to love in life...husband, wife, children..etc. They find people they love and their happiness seems to be enough to keep them content. But its not always that easy. It's not as simple as just finding someone you have a shit ton in common with and keeping them happy at your own expense for the entirety of both of your lives. It used to seem that simple to me. But I was also extremely young and experiencing love for the first time in who I thought was a flawless guy and I was sure everything was meant to be pathetically perfect...that's a real 'lol' moment right? I'm not a pessimist. I'm sure it seems that I am and I guess to the outside world I could be, but I see myself happy. That happiness is just unattainable. I have a dream that I'll eventually find everything that could make me a better person,...a lifestyle that I can't or haven't reached yet, I'm not sure which. I would give anything to be and stay happy with him though and all I can do is hope that he knows that and hope that he understands this and me.

She The Dreamer, She The Realist: Narcissism At It's Best

You're an emotional cliffhanger
A hand against my head banger,
The definition of spoiled to the core
A constant 'what'd you do that for',
You're my continuous train of thought
A something that can't be bought,
A bundle of aggravations
Sometimes even a slight irritation,
You're a gracious mass of unknown
And always the first to throw a stone,
You're all the things I've ever wanted to see
An exact replica of who I wish I could be,
A face easily lost in the crowd
A dreamer also but not quite so loud,
A beauty unknown to most
Never letting your guard away from your post,
You're quick to let your temper flare
And you never take the time to stop and stare,
She's a story you'll never be able to read
She's a dreamer and a realist in need.

Nightmare Of A Dream

"Emotionless?" he wonders. Emotionless she wanders. Little does he know that he is the reason she has been wandering aimlessly looking for everything that he ever promised in all of the wrong places. He taught her that she couldn't love anyone who wasn't him. He brought her to their favorite spot and relived that moment play by play. He makes sure that she has to remember everything. He waits until she's almost forgotten him, until she doesn't even think of him anymore and then he visits her again. He plants the idea again through her dreams, through her hallucinations, and her memory, that she must remain alone. She's waiting on his company. She reaches for his hand every time he comes, he smiles at her weakness and then...the chill of the air bites into her skin and the wind sweeps him away into the dark. She knows not to chase him by now. She's chased him too many times...she's too weak to do it again. She does not cry, she does not feel his malicious intentions. Instead she walks away from where he stood, white dress flapping around her legs, with no intentions of ever returning. She knows she will come back even as she promises herself she won't...but some rules are made with every intention of being broken. She defends her solitude with corrupt rationalizations and makes her way back to her bed; waiting for the next visit to come.